Although i am still very much living in that limbo stage of cancer treatment. I have now been given my confirmed surgery date for my Lumpectomy, and node clearance. Hello July 26th!
My surgeon is still very much set on the lumpectomy and node clearance as my best shot, followed by a few weeks of radiation after. We have discussed my scars, and where they will be and potentially what to expect. He believes i will be out the same day, but to bring a night bag just in case there are any complications, or i don’t react well following the anesthetic.
What he has advised however, is that, if surgery is not as successful as he hopes (whatever that means) i could be looking at a further operation, or even a mastectomy. I will definitely be having one, if my cancer returns i have been advised. They have to give you worse case scenarios, which i get and understand. Fingers crossed my surgery will go according to plan, and he gets it all. It would be even nicer if pathology advise that i have had a complete response to chemo, although that seems unlikely perhaps if they can still see a small area on the ultrasound. Whether that is still cancer or scar tissue, we will find out soon.
Now it is simply a case of doing normal day to day activities, until my surgery which is 2 weeks tomorrow. Then it will be a case of relaxing; managing my pain and discomfort; faffing with a drain coming out of my armpit for 7 days; and doing the exercises that my physiotherapist will recommend following the surgery.
I ll post again after i have had my surgery, wish me luck ❤
It has been almost 3 weeks since, what i hope will be, my last chemotherapy session. It feels as though time has gone by slowly since that last session. I am gradually starting to feel more and more like my old self. My routine with work and socialising seems to be going back to normal. Between now and the end of July, i would have had surgery, and be awaiting my dates for radiation. The final part of my cancer journey. Surely this is exciting? Great? Fabulous? But i can’t help but feel a little lost, scared and anxious.
Unlike other breast cancers, such as hormone based ones; with triple negative breast cancer, there isn’t any ongoing medication for me to take once the initial treatment is over. During treatment, like chemo, it is like you have that safety net and security. You are taking medication thats trying to fight and kill off the thing that is trying to kill you. Once thats over, it simply feels like a waiting game. Waiting to see if its worked, if it comes back, or if i will go on to live the rest of my life as i had initially envisioned, before all this cancer bullshit.
As i sit here in bed after a full week of work, nearly 3 weeks post my final chemo, and having spent the evening down the beach with my other half, things feel pretty normal at face value. I’ve enjoyed my first few glasses of prosseco of 2019, and i have a holiday booked for November, among other social events. But i just feel this overwhelming amount of guilt, and uncertainty still. I don’t think i am cancer free yet. Only surgery will be able to do that for me, or confirm that. I feel guilty for enjoying alcohol in a small dose for the first time in nearly 6 months. I feel guilty for the beef burger i have eaten tonight, and the tan i have developed from being down the beach. I haven’t seen or spoken to a single medical expert in nearly 3 weeks. It just feels strange and unfamiliar.
I believe that once surgery is over and done with, things will fall more into place. Normality will start to resume, and i too will hopefully feel less uncertain and anxious. I am a positive person, and i am proud of how i have dealt with everything so far. But i can’t help but ask myself, what’s next? Only time will tell. I am going to live and enjoy my life no matter what is thrown at me. For the time being, this feeling of being in limbo in my treatment process i think is probably quite normal. I shouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying things that i used to, it still comes down to moderation, but it is still ok.
As i start to relax and enjoy life without having to go to chemo anymore (for the time being), and have my body pumped with lots of drugs; i am thinking more and more about what i should and shouldn’t be putting in my body.
Prior to my diagnosis on Dec 20th 2018, i really did not care about/or think about what i would put in my body. I drank heavily every weekend nearly, i bloody loved a kebab and any other takeaways i could get my hands on. God i really did eat a lot of red meat as well. Lamb, steaks, mince…more mince…burgers, oh god so many burgers! It makes me salivate at the thought now. I just loved food, and i ate out a lot and i did get takeaways a lot. I will hold my hands up and admit that. I drank way too much as well as smoking too. This isn’t why i got cancer, however it may have contributed. I will however probably never fully understand why i got cancer at 25. But, now that i have cancer and i am trying to kick its arse, i am now thinking, what is it i can do to make sure i don’t get it again?
Realistically, if my cancer wants to reoccur, then it will, it is what it is. But i am a strong believer now, that doing what you can in terms of diet and exercise, will give me the best chance at it not reoccurring. For me, it is simply a case of minimising my risks, whilst enjoying life too. Everything in moderation.
I have never had a problem with vegetables and fruit, i just never ate enough of them. Red meat in moderation, and not as frequent as my past habits, is also ok. What i have made and effort in doing, is reducing my red meat intake quite drastically. I am now eating, a lot more white meat and fish, alongside fruit and veg. As well as using quorn as a substitute for mince. I have made a conscious effort to reduce my dairy and general carbohydrate intake, whilst making sure my sugar intake is minimal. I will never go vegetarian, let alone vegan – i just love meat too much. However, i am enjoying making new recipes using fish, chicken and turkey – adding flavour with spices, and bulking dishes up with things like black beans for example. I find that my body for the first time, craves healthy and good food. I actually feel ill when i allow myself to have a cheat day now, which says it all! I think with my body having undergone a gruelling 5 months of chemo, it simply just craves the good things now. I am not complaining. I have found it hard to get creative, but manage. Food shopping is more regular now and perhaps more costly slightly, as i get things as fresh and organic as i can. But i rather be spending my money on good quality, healthy foods, than the booze and fags i was prior to my diagnosis!
Alcohol scares me at the moment. I am not cancer free yet and won’t be for at least a few months. Many people ask about drinking during chemotherapy. I simply did not feel the need, or want to. When i started FEC which was every 3 weeks, just before my next cycle i would be feeling my best self, so treated myself to a shandy. I have literally had 2 shandies since starting treatment in January. Now i am no longer having chemo, and surgery is next month, i know it is probably ok to have a glass or two, but it still scares me. Even once i have had the all clear, i think it will still scare me. I know that now, in myself, i wont be the same when it comes to drinking, i cant really afford to be. A few glasses once in a while however wont hurt me. As the years hopefully go by, once in remission (heres hoping), that fear may disappear more. However, i know that i can never go back to living the way i did before. As all of this could have been for nothing.
Does that make me sad? A little. Again it comes back to losing that care free nature of mine. I wish i could drink a bottle of wine on a night out, sneak out for a naughty cigarette and go home with a kebab and have no regrets. No fear or guilt. But i can’t. And that isn’t a bad thing. Cancer has simply forced me to become the best version of myself, i am just having to embrace it. Everything in moderation.
If you have followed my previous posts on my blog, you would have read that i have just finished 5 months of chemotherapy. However, after receiving positive news somewhat after my first ultrasound after starting treatment 7 weeks ago, that my tumour had gone from 2.2cm to 0.7cm and my lymph nodes were looking good; 2 weeks ago i thought my lump had gotten bigger, and i was in some pain with my breast. Which of course set off alarm bells, panic, fear and major anxiety.
TODAY, i had my second ultrasound after starting treatment. This was brought forward a week early by my oncologist just to be on the safe side, to see if there was anything to worry about. Now this is when the term ‘scanxiety’ really does come into place. I imagine this is the same for anyone that has been diagnosed with cancer at some point in their life, every scan, no matter how far into treatment you are or into remission, the fear is there. What if something has changed? What if it’s not normal? What if my body is betraying me once again? For me, i get very hot, my foot starts shaking and even sometimes my hands, right before i get scanned. My heart is pounding against my chest up until the moment they call my name. Once my name is called, i am still anxious but my symptoms seem to settle, and i just think, well it is what it is, lets get this over and done with.
Although my breast still feels like it is ‘sitting on a shelf’, as if my tumour area has swollen slightly; it is no where near as uncomfortable as it was a couple weeks ago, and the pain seems to have gone away too. The gentlemen doing my ultrasound today advised that there were no changes, it hasn’t grown my tumour and my lymph nodes were still looking good. Although it still appears to measure around 0.7cm in size, what he did advise is that this isn’t necessarily all cancer that is left, it could be scaring from where the soft tissue has died – and this can perhaps be why i feel as if it is slightly swollen. Realistically, they wont know if the chemo has zapped it all until surgery day, and if it hasn’t that isn’t the end of the world, as that is what surgery and radiation are there for. He did say i have had an excellent response to treatment so far, which put my mind at great ease; and that realistically overall it could be just over a 70% reduction in size from where i first started off, back in December when i was diagnosed. Although i have finished chemo now, the drugs stay in your system for a fair amount of time, and will continue to attack any bad cells in me that may remain. Hence why my surgeon wants to leave it roughly 6 weeks between my last chemo to my actual day of surgery.
Now with my next appointment only being with the surgeon for a final chat on the 4th of July, i feel i can relax, sleep better, and actually enjoy the fact that the worst part of treatment is over, and can now look forward to my birthday next week, and perhaps booking a holiday or two. The end of this nightmare is insight.
Today i received what i hope, will be my last ever chemotherapy session. It was lovely seeing all the nurses and having one last laugh with them all. My picc line was removed also which is just fabulous, didn’t feel a thing! Finally i can sleep and bathe like a normal human being.
I thought that when i would finish chemo that i would be overwhelmed with emotion, and excitement and perhaps relief. However, it was quite the anticlimax for me. I don’t know why? Perhaps it’s because i know have a scan thursday, followed by my last surgery chat on the 4/7/19, and then actual surgery. Even after surgery i still have to endure some radiation. Therefore for me, although the supposed worst part of treatment is over and i can look forward to some hair growth, i still have at least another few months before i am likely to say, ‘i am cancer free’. My journey is far from being over. I am quite aware, that it is a huge achievement to finish chemo after enduring it for 5 months – and i am proud of myself. I am just not feeling that relief yet. Maybe thats normal?
However, it is my birthday on the 21/6/19, so that is something to look forward to as well as a birthday bbq with all of my friends the week after. So i am slowly getting back me, and my old social life (but with a lot less alcohol). Slowly but surely.
Despite my recent anxiety attack over the new ache and slightly swollen lump area of my breast, I am still on track for my last chemo and Picc line removal on monday – woo!
Following two breast examinations from my doctor and the oncologist, and my symptoms appear to be improving rather than worsening; they don’t appear to be worried. Although they have brought forward my ultrasound by a week just to be on the safe side of things, my last chemo session will still be monday, and thus the picc line shall be removed. YAY!
This will make crossing the finish line at the 5k raceforlife in Bournemouth this sunday, that bit more glorious! I shall hopefully, following the ultrasound, still be on track for my lumpectomy in July. And as mentioned before, once that picc line is out, i shall be running into the sea (perhaps half naked), and submerging myself as deep as possible into the water.
I am one week away from having my last chemotherapy session, due my pre chemo appointment this coming thursday. And only now in the last few days my breast has started to ache, and this morning whilst pressing hard, i can now feel a little lump in the same area as the old lump.
What the fuck?!
As far as i am aware i haven’t been able to feel my lump for quite some time, and just 6 weeks ago before starting FEC my ultrasound showed my lymph nodes to be clear and an almost 70% reduction in my tumour size. Before starting treatment, the position of my tumour made it feel like my left boob (the naughty one) was sitting on a shelf. That feeling went away quite early on into treatment, and i couldn’t feel my lump anymore. I will admit i stopped touching my boobs during treatment as i didn’t feel the need. But since mid-week its felt like my boob is sitting on a shelf again, and aches a little – now i can feel this small lump again. Previously my oncologist has said that the treatment can cause the area of the lump to swell so don’t be alarmed if you feel the lump again – but surely not right at the end of treatment would i only get this now? Or maybe it is possible under this new treatment of FEC i am on? The problem is it is a sunday, and it is all a big ‘i don’t know?’
So now i am panicking, worried my tumour is growing again or its a new tumour. Why can’t things be plane sailing? And now the frantic google searching has commenced, once again – which has come up with nothing useful may i add. You try and think of all the conversations you have had previously with your oncologist, such as what i have mentioned above. I even questioned her a few weeks ago about the length of time between my last chemo and surgery (6 weeks), whether this was safe and wise, and will my cancer grow – and she assured me no? But surely it can, especially with triple negative cancer – or do i take her word for it?
The one thing i have learnt and had to deal with as a 25 year old dealing with a cancer diagnosis, that this fear and panic will probably never go away; and that nothing ever seems to go the way that it should. Heres hoping, this is just my initial tumour swelling, whilst it is being attacked by the drugs in my system – fingers crossed ay!
At least once a week someone says to me ‘you look well’ or ‘you would never know you were ill’. Although it is nice to know that i don’t look like i have cancer at 25, it got me thinking, what does cancer even look like? What does being ill look like?
Typically i think people when they hear the word ‘cancer’, we think of someone fragile, frail perhaps, and bald. Throw in some pale skin, darkened eyes, and the image of someone vomiting violently from the effects of chemotherapy too, and bobs your uncle. This image of what cancer appears to be perceived as, i assume has stemmed from films, the media and stories that have been told from years ago. Whereby years ago things like chemotherapy were worse for patients, as they didn’t have the same anti-sickness for example as they do now. Fast forward to now, and the image of what someone looks like when they’re suffering from cancer is the above.
For some individuals suffering from cancer, perhaps the above description is exactly what they have experienced and gone through; and i am not taking that away from anyone. What i have however discovered since being diagnosed, is that it isn’t the case for the vast amount of individuals fighting cancer. In a society that is now heavily driven by social media, it wasn’t hard for me to find other fellow cancer patients, young in their 20s and 30s kicking cancer’s arse in style. These women and men ‘don’t look like your typical cancer patients’, they ‘don’t look ill’, and they’re embracing each obstacle thrown at them, with courageousness and empowerment.
Sure my skin is slightly more pale, and perhaps my irish eyes, are a little darker than normal. Throw on a little bit of makeup, with a hair turban or wig and i am still Hannah. I do everything that i used to do, nothing has changed, apart from slightly less hours at work. It seems to shock some people when i say i have been at work – ‘wait you’re still working?’. Yes, if i am up to it, why wouldn’t i? Even when feeling a bit more tired than usual, why wouldn’t i still work? Why wouldn’t i go out for dinner and go to the shops as usual? If i am feeling good, then i am going to do everything as normal. Days where i am completely exhausted after chemotherapy, i am still pottering around the house cleaning, popping to the shops, and writing blogs. For me (doesn’t mean this is the same for everyone), if i give into my side effects such as the tiredness, then to me thats cancer winning and altering my life. Fighting it off, and carrying on as normal, is me winning, and living.
Following on from this, and carrying on with the topic of ‘what does cancer look like?’, it also appears that certain types of cancers come with their own stereotype and stigma, around who gets that type of cancer. For example, Breast cancer – is usually associated with women in their 40-50s. Lung cancer, associated with smokers. Bowel cancer, associated with overweight fast food eating old men. Now although certain lifestyles may contribute to a diagnosis of cancer, the stereotypes associated with certain cancers as mentioned above, compared to reality, are quite different, which is where i think many of us are a little naive. You don’t have to have smoked to get lung cancer. Breast cancer doesn’t happen only in your 40s-50s, there has been a huge increase of women in their 20s being diagnosed, myself as a prime example. A well know blogger ‘bowelbabe’ who was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in her early 40s, whose never smoked and exercises regularly on an almost vegetarian diet; completely goes against these ‘typical cancer stereotypes’.
You don’t have to fall into a certain category to get diagnosed with cancer, sadly cancer doesn’t care who you are, and how you have lived your life. A lot of it comes down to being just unlucky and of course, genes. We all have to get better at not stereotyping certain illnesses, and thats not just cancer either, and educating ourselves. Although i personally try to avoid looking like i have cancer, i realise that is only because we have this stereotype, of what a cancer patient looks like. However, even though i may not look like i am ill to you, just like with other illnesses as well, not just cancer; don’t assume either, that we are not suffering and are having an easier ride than others. Suffering from an illness, or cancer shouldn’t separate you from those who do not. As individuals, we need to remove these stereotypes and stigmas around certain illnesses, and educate ourselves; whilst getting familiar with our own bodies and recognising changes and reporting them. Too many of us are still very naive, and think we are invincible.
Just a little update rather than a whole big new blog post! But on the 9th June my lovely girls are running the race4life in Bournemouth, which raises money for cancer research. We have nearly raised £3000 – i am overwhelmed by the many generous donations we have received! Here is the link to our funding page so you can view our progress, and donate if you wish to. All money goes to cancer research, which has helped fund trials such as the one i am on for my breast cancer.
I have also now decided i am going to partake in the run myself (5k not the 10k) as it is the day before my last ever chemo (well heres hoping anyways), and i thought as a fuck you to cancer, nothing will stop me – imma run this bitch of a race.
… well walk it with some intervals of running.
Designed the t-shirt below to wear on the day, Bournemouth race4lifers, look out for me 🙂
When i first got diagnosed with breast cancer, the first thing i thought, after the initial first ‘Oh fuck’, was; ‘What about my hair? I’ll never pull off the bald look?’. Most of us when we hear the word ‘cancer’ you automatically think of being ill, and being bald. When it comes to breast cancer, one of the THE main side effects is sadly, losing your hair. This isn’t just the hair on your head either, let me tell you! I officially have no head hair, no pubes, no leg or arm hair, not even a nose hair. The eyebrow and lashes have drastically thinned, but are still hanging on for dear life. However, not all cancer treatments will cause you to lose your hair.
For me personally, i had awful hair to start off with. It was thin, pathetic and damaged from years of extensions. So losing it for me perhaps wasn’t as hard as it could have been, compared to some women who are born with naturally lush thick locks, and it also meant i didn’t have to shave my legs for a while. For me, losing my hair wasn’t the sad part, it was how it makes you look, a typical cancer patient. I didn’t want people to view me as the ‘sick note’, i wanted to still be seen as ‘Hannah, the no filtered, short arse who can’t handle her drink.’
I searched the internet for chemotherapy scarves, and looked at how some women styled out the look, and sort of made it up myself. The generic chemo hats you can buy online, in my opinion do nothing for your face. And with a fat square face like mine, i needed that bit of volume on top. Now the look i go for isn’t for everyone, as its a little 40s, but i have received many compliments from the look. I simply purchased a generic chemo hat from amazon, so it covers the whole head. I then (if you are from the UK) purchased a load of different coloured, semi-short and mainly silk scarves from primark. Using one of the scarves, and wearing the chemo hat i tied the scarf around my head and make it into a bow almost, which gives me the below look. Add some big earrings and bold makeup, i find it is quite the statement look – and i have no problem going out in public like it. People don’t stare, and not everyone assumes you have cancer. Some people just assume you have short hair, and are rocking a quirky 40s look.
Now lets talk WIGS!
In the UK the NHS will provide a wig service, and i believe you do get some discount as well. Yes thats right, you get a cancer discount… charming! However, having been an extension and fake hair maniac my entire life, i decided to do the wig side of things without the help of the hospital. Some wigs women wear, look like wigs. No question. However, it doesn’t have to be that way ladies (and gentlemen). It all depends on the style, length, and type of wig you get.
Lace front wigs for me are a no brainer, as when you are wearing them it looks like you have your very own parting. Which is where some wigs will let you down, and make it look like you’re wearing a wig. There are many different brands of wigs, but they’re either synthetic hair or human. Human wigs are in the 1000s, price wise – so unless you don’t mind spending that, then i would avoid. Synthetic wigs, if looked after, actually look just as real as human hair, and i actually think they are easier to tame as well. The longer the wig, the hotter they are and the easier they can get matted. I mixed it up by purchasing one long one, and the rest were shoulder length, which you can see in the below photo.
I ordered my wigs online from Kristina young hair additions. I semi guessed the colour, after watching youtube videos of people trying out certain brands of wigs and colours. They are all synthetic lace fronts, and the make i chose was Jon Renau, as i prefer their quality. They range from £100-£300 more or less. But if you take the time to look, and do the research and look up the reviews, it doesn’t have to cost loads. If you use the NHS for wig help, lace front wigs are the way forward in my opinion.
In the end, you’ll choose what you feel most confident in. To this day, only my mother and sister have seen me bald and that is it. I don’t show my partner or friends, because i don’t want people seeing me differently. That is just me. I know many women that rock the bald head, and why the hell not! They look great! I wear the hair scarves the majority time, and wigs for when i am going out with friends and family. Do what is right for you, and what makes you feel like you. Don’t let cancer take away your identity. Own it.
Hannah's Blog 